Painful beginnings

Basically the whole cyst drama started right away when I got pregnant. They day after we conceived (too much information, sorry), I remember feeling some sharp pains in my left lower abdomen which I had never experienced before. Honestly, my first thought was "oh shit. I am probably pregnant." Not a great reaction, but I knew the timing wasn't great to start a pregnancy given what the due date would be (Bears season, anyone?). I tried to ignore the pains but the thought of what it might mean stayed in the back of my mind. The next day I talked with Adam about my 'fear' of being pregnant and he reassured me that not only was it OK and would be OK, but he was happy and excited which made me feel better.

Fast forward a week or so and the pains kept coming and going, nothing terrible but definitely not pleasant. I think I bought some pregnancy tests knowing it was too soon to test positive but just to check anyways (of course they were negative). Then comes New Years Eve. All fun and games and drinking and dancing until suddenly some super sharp pains, again in the left lower abdomen. We're talking bend over and want to curl up on the floor pains, which I did do at one point while Adam was yacking in the toilet (that's a whole other story, ask Adam, Marcus or Candace about that one as they all got sick. We're thinking some sort of food poisoning via ice or champagne).

Now I start to worry about an ectopic pregnancy. Super scary and not good for mama and ultimately results in loss of the pregnancy. I remember sitting on the couch with all the ladies at the Hoge family and friends party discussing what could possibly be wrong with me, and ectopic pregnancy, a cyst, miscarriage etc. were all tossed around. Luckily I was not bleeding and in a Captain Morgan fog that helped me through the evening and I had a sick husband to tend to so my mind was kept elsewhere.

The next day, New Years Day, was supposed to be spent at our home in Park Ridge with the Hoge friends and family gang to watch the Rose Bowl. It turned out that a blizzard swept through Chicagoland overnight and we were basically snowed in at Rich's house, which was fine because we had his fireplaces blazing and more than enough food and drink to keep the group content. I spent the day curled up in a ball with a blankey and pillow in front of the parlor fireplace thinking I was hungover and pooped from sleeping on the floor the night before. Looking back, I was pregnant and dealing with a cyst that was making it's home on my left ovary. Also curled up in balls were Adam, Marcus and Candace (see earlier mention of their ordeals with some sort of food poisoning).

Next up, Monday January 6th. Or maybe Tuesday. Adam and I went to see The Wolf of Wall Street (highly recommend, Adam thought it was too long but I just love Leo). Somewhere during that evening I discovered my period was a few days late--I've never been good at keeping track--but this was a somewhat exciting discovery as it meant that I could now take a pregnancy test that may actual give a valid result. To Walgreens I went, and then I came home and drank a beer to fill my bladder knowing very well it may be my last for many months. Side note, alcohol and beer in particular were not tasting good to me. I also took this as a sign I was pregnant, like my body was somehow hinting I shouldn't be drinking. So the beer stayed half drank because I just didn't like the taste. 

So I peed on the stick and nervously walked around the house. I put it on the kitchen counter and we waited a few minutes. Adam and I checked the stick at the same time, and sure enough there was the faintest pink line indicating pregnancy. Adam smiled, I said "Oh my god" or possibly something more vulgar and covered my face with my shirt. Again, Adam was the happy and calm one and I was freaking out. Instantly I got a hug from my super happy and excited husband while I believe I was tearing up. Not happy tears unfortunately, but freaking out oh my god what does this mean what is going to happen holy cow wow wow wow I can't believe this tears.

To better explain, I wasn't afraid of having a baby or becoming a mom, just afraid of pregnancy itself. Working in the healthcare profession I've seen firsthand how any major changes to the body can be difficult for some, and also having  friends who have had difficult pregnancies scared me about what was to come. I guess also just the loss of control over your own body that I felt I knew very well and up until this point had been in control over was beyond comprehension to me and quite scary. A little tiny human, or actually lots of hormones, take over which now I think is kinda cool but at the time it was terrifying.