FINAL notes on surgery and recovery

I can't believe Sunday marked the one week point from the surgery. Seems like it was just yesterday and like it never happened all at the same time. My memory of that evening after surgery is a little foggy but I'll share what I do remember:


-Having to pee right away when I got back to my room and not being able to move much because of the pain so I requested the bed pan. This was actually exciting to me in my drug induced state, I'm not sure why.  It required  a couple nurses to roll me onto my side very slowly and painfully and then they placed the little bowl-type pan thing under me, rolled me back and I just let it go. What a relief.
-Even more exciting was training my husband how to roll me carefully so he could help the next few times I had to go. He fondly calls this helping me "pee the bed."
-I couldn't eat regular food right away (they ease you back into normal solids after not eating for so many hours) so all I got was jello. Adam fed me the jello, and again I don't remember why I couldn't feed myself. He says I wanted to be fed and that I was so out of it I couldn't do much myself. I think, same with the bedpan, I had been through a lot and wanted other people to take care of me while I just laid there happily drugged.
-Adam actually feeding me the jello was the funniest thing, and I had almost forgotten about this but after thinking about that night the memory came back: instead of putting the spoon in my mouth so I could eat the jello off of it, he would 'dump' the spoon and it's contents into my mouth like I was a fish or something. I guess it was a good thing I was his practice dummy before baby comes.
-The resident who assisted with the surgery came back to talk with us as I had yet to hear any firsthand details of the surgery. There was nothing that sticks out besides her explaining why my belly button kept bleeding whenever I would move. She said that they sewed me up inside and just glued (or maybe sewed, I'm not sure) my belly button back down to the muscles but that it wasn't 'staying.' Gross. I later found out my belly button is the whole hole that got sewn/sutured back up, the rest are just glued shut. Weird.

I got a great night's sleep that night thanks to the drugs, anesthesia not being totally worn off, and Adam sleeping nearby on the couch that we finally got in our room. I think at about 4 or 5 am I got up out of bed for the first time to walk to the bathroom. This was a very strange feeling; it felt like my legs were not really my legs. I could see them moving but couldn't quite feel them. Luckily, the next time I got up this was gone and every time after I was better and moving a little faster.

We saw one of our OB doctors that morning who said I was good to go whenever I wanted that day. This was a relief  but was also scary for me. I had nurses and doctors at my beck and call there, and what was going to happen if I went home? What if something when wrong? What if the pain came back? I think I was terrified because of being sent home before when I should not have been, but I knew that this time everything would be OK.

At some point that day a nice lady came in to offer me communion and to say a couple prayers. This was so sweet and unexpected but it also brought me to tears. She looked bewildered and I was embarrassed, but I thanked her and sat there alone crying about God knows what.  This was to be the trend for the rest of the week.

I was thankfully cheered up by a delivery of some beautiful flowers from some of our favorite people and Adam returning to officially take me home. Being outside for the first time in four days felt odd but amazing, however the car ride didn't feel as great. Potholes + recent surgery don't mix well, but Adam drove like a grandpa (sorry any grandpas reading this) and got me home in one piece.

I am also so very thankful and grateful for my friend Brittany who came down from Milwaukee that day with a goody bag and a "what can I do?" attitude, so we put her to work at the house for a little bit as it had been neglected and the laundry was piling up. Adam still raves about the leftovers she brought from her family's Easter celebration (think large Italian family = delicious cooking and baking). Brittany - you are THE BEST and we can't thank you enough!

 Also, a huge THANK YOU to everyone for your kind posts, well wishes, cards, flowers and prayers. I can't tell you how special it was to know that we had everyone's prayers coming our way and that we have such great friends and family behind us to support us through some tough times. Know that we love you all and appreciate everything more than words can say.

Some of the pretty cards and flowers

Last week/the first few days home were pretty uneventful re: the surgery and recovery except for feeling quite depressed and tearful. Hormones maybe? I found myself crying frequently over who knows what, I think just the processing of everything that happened was catching up to me. Our 20 week OB appointment/follow-up with the OB surgeon was cancelled Wednesday evening due to a power outage (you've GOT to be kidding me?! It only lasted for an hour and I've worked all day through a power outage!!!!) and that really set me off. Is the world out to get me? Why can't anything go right? I think I felt that the appointment was the closure I needed and to have it cancelled for something silly and out of the blue was really upsetting. Luckily, my husband told some white lies to get me in for a quick and still very tearful appointment the following day.

In other news, I took my last norco (narcotic pain pill) on Friday and switched to Tylenol for the weekend so that I could be the DD for my mom to get us home from my cousin's bachelorette party. It felt good to drive for the first time in over a week and like I was semi-human again;  it turned out I felt fine pain-wise and didn't miss the strong drugs.  I took another round of Tylenol Sunday in anticipation of the bus ride back to Chicago and that's the last of any pain meds and I feel good! Like, silly tears and depression has cleared, pain is gone good. Still get tired a little easily if I over do anything physically but I think I'll be good as gold for work on Monday.

Also, some GREAT news. The pathology of my mass/cyst came back NORMAL, benign, non-cancerous! To be honest, we weren't worried about it as they made it seem like it wasn't a concern and I had kind-of forgotten that they were even testing it. So thank goodness and we can finally say that the whole thing is officially behind us!

Bump photos!

12 weeks in New Orleans

15 weeks at the beach in Fort Myers

16 weeks and the Badgers make the Final Four!

18 weeks - time for a new swimsuit. Does anyone else only buy one piece at a time?

20 weeks in Wisconsin for Ashley's Shower

20 week OB appointment

We had our official 20 week OB appointment on Tuesday! This would have been when we found out the sex so I had been counting down the days to this appointment.

All looked great, baby is measuring 19 weeks 6 days so just a week 'small' but they said this is very normal for being 'early' in the pregnancy. The important thing is that all the pieces are there to the puzzle and now the baby puzzle just grows. I asked if my recent weight loss from surgery, etc. would have anything to do with him being a little small and they said no.

Attempted profile of face, baby wasn't quite cooperating to fully see the nose. I think he looks like Dad. 

 

 

So far baby's leg is in the 36th percentile for length. If he takes after mom and dad, this should change!

Only thing that is a little off and scary is that I have a low-lying placenta. This occurs in about 20% of pregnancies at around this point and can result in having to have a c-section if the placenta doesn't naturally migrate up, which is what usually happens as the uterus continues to grow. If my placenta stays where it's currently at, they felt I could still have a normal vaginal delivery with a c-section operating room ready to go if anything was amiss. Let's just hope this placenta makes a move in the right direction...

 That's his butt looking up from underneath and the um... man parts.

Thumbs up! Thanks for checking in on me!

20 week pregnancy questionnaire

Pregnancy Questionnaire

20 weeks 2 days, ready for cousin Ashley's Bridal Shower!

How far along: 20 weeks 6 days (4/30/14)

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Was +5-6 lbs until being hospitalized, now back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Doc said all is OK as long as my appetite is back (and it is back in full force) so I should get back on track soon.

Maternity clothes: Only if I have to wear jeans which I seldom do, otherwise I can wear normal leggings. Maternity leggings are way comfortable though. Still fitting into normal tops and may have to consider a larger bra size soon... say what?!

Stretch marks: Don't think so.

Sleep: Being off work for this additional week means an overly healthy 10+ hours a night plus a good couple hour nap during the day. Can't complain! Just call me the sleeping queen (again, I was a sleeping queen before being pregnant so I guess not much has changed there). Not uncomfortable yet although I am afraid of sleeping on my tummy which I don't do on purpose but sometimes wake up that way.

Best moment last week: Waking up from surgery and being told everything was OK - baby was OK, mom was OK and cyst was gone.

Movement: Felt my first karate kick on Friday, April 25th. My mom had just treated me to a mani/pedi and we were on our way for lunch so I was quite hungry. Her sunroof was open, sun was shining on my belly and 'hi-yaaa' karate kick to my lower left tummy. I had been feeling some questionable movements but couldn't say for sure it was baby, but this was definitely baby. He kicked again once my hand was over the spot so I got to 'feel' it with my hand too. Very special moment that I'll always remember, and it was fun seeing Grandma's smile too. He didn't kick for her though, he must be a shy guy. Just sad that daddy wasn't there to experience it, too.

Food cravings: Nothing that I'm constantly craving, but I can't pass a McDonald's without a vanilla cone. (Note: that was pretty normal before pregnancy). I will say that if something pops in my head, I have to have it NOW. Like 5 minutes ago now. But not really any trends to these instant-need-it-now cravings.

Gender: LITTLE MAN

Labor signs: Um, no. Let's keep it that way.

Belly button - in or out? Not sure how to answer this one. I think it'll be in permanently as it was sewn shut and to the muscles underneath. We'll see.

What I miss: Captain Morgan and diet coke. Duh.

What I am looking forward to: Seeing this little baby's face, decorating the nursery, warm weather so I can get outside and live a little.

Milestones: Feeling baby kick momma for the first time, feeling SO much better after having that nasty cyst removed and reaching the HALFWAY point of this pregnancy. Wahooo!

Results and some answers.

Surgery lasted about an hour. They were able to complete it laparascopically with four holes instead of the usual two with my belly button getting the brunt of it and having to be opened a little more than normal to get the mass out in pieces. Baby came out undisturbed and just fine.

Belly Before

Belly After

Belly three days later

What they found was surprising: not only did I have a 9 cm mass (larger than they had expected), but it was twisted on itself three times. The fallopian tubes were barely recognizable as they were twisted and knotted, and part of the ovary had begun to show necrosis, or tissue death due to being cut off from its blood supply.

Starting at the top: Uterus then curled fallopian tubes and then the mass/cyst/ovary. 

They were surprised to find the torsion or twisting because previous imaging hadn't shown it. They felt that it appeared on earlier ultrasounds that there was blood flow to the ovary and wasn't twisting/torsion but it may have been the blood just caught in the twisted fallopian tube that they were seeing. Sounds like they were a little baffled. If this had been left to itself, the mass itself likely would have died off due to lack of blood supply and maybe just fallen off and gotten reabsorbed into my body. This is where I need Adam to edit because I am still foggy on these details. They were explained more to everyone else while I was in recovery.

The pain I was experiencing was the actual twisting/torsion of the mass. They explained it as the ovary typically just kind of hangs there, and due to the weight of the mass and the increasing pressure from the baby, it was being pushed around and twisting on itself. Ouch. They further felt that it was possibly twisting and untwisting in the previous months, explaining the intermittent pain and that in the last few days it had really gotten jumbled up causing the sudden increase in sharp, severe pain.

They're still unsure if the mass was always this size from the start or recently grew more. The good news is that after gross inspection, the oncologist felt that it was not cancerous. Thank God. It was sent to pathology for further testing and we should get the final results soon, but it seemed there was no real concern. 

Phew.

Surgery, finally.

About 2 pm on Easter Sunday the nurse rushed in to say, "they have a surgical suite ready, they'll be coming for you soon."

Then came the tears. I was 100% on board for the surgery but I was not prepared. It was my first experience dealing with surgery for myself. I had watched a knee replacement operation and let's just say it wasn't pretty, so picturing myself on the operating table made me want to vomit. It was more about the 'extra' things that go along with surgery that I was afraid of, like being intubated and having a catheter placed. Silly things, but things that I had heard about from many of my patients that weren't comfortable and I knew how they worked and didn't like picturing me in the picture.

And more tears. And more deep breathing. And fear. But then somehow I decided that this wasn't about me, this was about the baby and I went into mom mode. I knew that if I was freaking out, the baby would freak out. I knew that If I could stay calm, the baby would be calm. So I decided to be calm. So I calmly was transported to surgery with tears running down my face with a husband who was doing his very best to fight back tears and until I was whisked away was winning that battle. He later told me he cried most of the time I was gone in surgery, which breaks my heart but I also had told him it's OK to cry and in a way it's good to just let it go.

To the operating room. Unfortunately I was wide awake as they wheeled me in and I got to see in bright lights the room and all that was in it. About five seconds in, I decided I couldn't look around or would get sick. So my eyes stayed closed. They kind of lifted/rolled me onto the operating table and instantly starting hooking me up to monitors and strapping me in. Again, I kept my eyes closed. I was cold and felt a sharp pain in my arm as the anesthesiologist pushed some anesthesia into my IV. I started to feel some numbness on my tongue and a groggy sensation in my head as they kept cheerfully talking to me. Then, he placed something over my mouth to finish me off into my deep sleep and the tears came. I quickly said, "Please take care of my baby" and was off.

Next thing I know, I'm in recovery. I remember feeling like I took a deep breath and suddenly was awake and in pain. I was calling out something, they said I was saying "Is everything OK?" but I'm pretty sure that wasn't in. Must have been something bad or funny and they wouldn't tell me. Most importantly, they said "You're OK. The baby is fine. You have four small incisions. They got everything out." Relief.

I know I said asked for something for the pain and suddenly felt it being pushed into the IV, and just as suddenly I was nauseous and the nice lady had a pan in front of me and out came whatever was in my stomach. I felt better. I couldn't move because of the pain but I was also very cold. The nice ladies kept running around because there was another person next to me. I couldn't see him but apparently he was a little agitated because they kept telling him to relax. I think I was more interested in him than what was going on with me.

I have no idea how much time went by or what else happened during this time.Then, they wheeled me and my gurney back to the room. Home sweet home. The ordeal was over.

Surgery! Please?

Sunday morning. Happy Easter!?

We were expecting to see our OB doctor, Dr. Dickerson, who had kind of been the main doctor following me in addition to another. She came in around 9:30 am and dropped a bomb. She didn't want to operate. My heart sank. Tears came. We were 100% ready to go, cut me open, take this thing out now.

She explained that, after reviewing everything and thinking hard about it overnight, she felt the risks were too great and that I would be better off waiting as long as possible... for some miracle. She had some serious concerns that weren't mentioned earlier about me losing a lot of blood and possibly coding, resulting in needing to be resuscitated and possibly death. Risks I was aware of, but were news to Adam. This makes sense as the ovaries and uterus in general are supplied a lot of blood during pregnancy.

She went on to describe in general what my life would be like for the next few months. Deconditioning, physical therapy, possibly acupuncture for pain, ongoing drugs, effects on baby, not returning to work, going on disability, etc. I was not OK with this. I was pissed but listened to what she had to say. She left us alone to discuss and think about this. We were still waiting to talk to the gynecologist/oncologist who would have assisted with the operation.

So, back to square one. Again. I'm pissed and scared, Adam is just scared because all of a sudden there is a concern about losing me and not just the baby. He was not OK with this.

In comes my lifesaver, Dr. Weinberg. She is the gynecological oncologist that swooped in and saved the day. Confident and calm, she comes in and tells us she can operate. Not a big deal. She did one last weekend, baby and mom are fine. She felt confident she could do the minimally invasive surgery. She reassured me she felt that baby would be OK. She was so sure of herself it was almost scary.

She also had a resident with her who didn't seem quite as confident and stepped in to clarify that we had to be 100% prepared to lose the baby. Ummm OK. No one can be 100% prepared for that but I was 100% willing to take the risk because I knew I couldn't keep up with the pain much longer.

After a lengthy discussion with her, we told her LET'S DO THIS. TODAY, PLEASE. She said, "OK, I'll make it happen." Love her. This was probably about noon, and the nurse came in shortly after to say she overhead a conversation that sounded like we were looking at a 4 or 5 pm surgery. Thank God.

Looking back, we decided that our OB doctor is just that. She's a baby doctor and it's her job to take care of me and the baby. Operating to remove a mass isn't her expertise, so she was making recommendations based on how she felt and her confidence level. I am just so incredibly and beyond grateful that someone else came in who did feel confident with my issue, because there was no way we were going to go ahead with this if we didn't have someone on board we could trust with my life and the baby's.

Finally, an answer... kind of. And some options.

Chronic hemorrhagic corpus luteum cyst. 

What? What is that? Based on the MRI, the radiologist 'diagnosed' me with a hemorrhagic corpus luteum cyst. My explanation: right after I ovulated and got pregnant, the corpus luteum (in the ovary) continued to bleed rather than 'dissolve' on its own, creating a cyst-like sac filled with blood. This continued to grow to the size it was and bleed and clot intermittently in itself, rather than reabsorbing like it should have right away. Makes sense, as I had some pain very early on in the pregnancy that would occasionally come and go.

Finally, an answer that made sense. Also, a sense of frustration. Why didn't anyone figure this out or tell me what this was long ago? Why have I been in some serious pain for the last couple days and... nothing? Why me? (To answer the why me... the doctor said this is totally random and there were no predisposing factors that caused this to happen to me or made it more likely for this to happen to me, also no increased risk for this to happen in future pregnancies).

The pain was the ongoing and unsolved problem according to the doctor. They still had no explanation for the legit and extremely severe pain I was experiencing. More frustration. My OB doctor went on to say that my options were as follows:

1) Do nothing. Go home on some serious medication round the clock, likely needing to increase the dosage as time passes as my body would grow accustomed to the drugs. This presents some serious side effects to the baby, namely that the baby would be born with a drug dependency. Not cool. Along with this, they knew I likely would not be able to carry the baby to full term, so we were looking at a preterm delivery. Could I still deliver vaginally? Probably. Could I go back to work? No. Based on how I was feeling at the time, there was no possible way I could work, given that anytime I moved the pain got worse. Also given my job: I'm constantly up moving around, lifting and transferring patients, bending over, reaching up, participating in their exercise programs. So we were looking at long term disability and basically bed rest for months. Again, not cool and not really an option in my mind.

2) Surgery. Which involved a couple options. Ideally, they would go in laparascopically with a couple puncture wounds, skinny tools and a camera to see what was really going on and hopefully remove whatever was causing me trouble. There was some concern that, given how far along I was, they wouldn't be able to get to or see the areas of concern without opening me up all the way from belly button to basically all the way down, called a laparotomy. Some major concerns either way were that any movement to or disruption of the uterus could put me into labor which cannot be stopped and at this point would have resulted in a total loss of the pregnancy. After 24 weeks there is some chance to save the baby but I was only 19 weeks 3 days.

So, at this point it was Saturday afternoon/evening. I had been NPO for most of the day (no food or water) and was starving. I had basically had one meal in the last 48 hours as I vomited up anything I had eaten Thursday and was kept NPO for most of Friday as well during the procedures. I did get to have clear liquids Friday evening... so I got some chicken broth and jello. Whooopee! My doctor was basically presenting us these options and made it sound like I could make surgery a go that evening. We wanted the surgery. But I was starving and would likely have to wait several more hours or even until the next day to actually have the surgery. We decided to eat and put surgery off for the following day, also allowing us to chat with the gynecologic oncologist the following morning who would be assisting with the surgery to get more detail about the actual surgery.

So, I got to eat. I ate a lot and then regretted it after I got a too-much-food tummy ache. But it was delicious!

I think I'll always kind of fondly remember that night because it was just Adam and I. I love my husband, but after experiencing all of this I love him even more (if that's possible) for his constant support, his loving me so much and in general just his warm presence crammed next to me in my hospital bed. We went for some slow walks that evening around the unit, we resubscribed to Netflix and watched some episodes of Too Cute (super cute, highly recommend about kittens and puppies and just general cuteness), and we cried. We were scared, we were relieved, we were tired, we were confused, we were mad. I was worried about the baby, Adam was worried about me, so all around we were just a mess. I just can't thank him enough for being there. I think I told him "I'm sorry" about a thousand times through this ordeal. Sorry for what? I don't know. He chose to be with me and he was happy to be there.

Then, sleep. We were looking forward to surgery the following day.

Hopefully my first and last MRI

Saturday morning. We had compiled a list of questions overnight for the doctors and my main request: I want an MRI done. There had been earlier mention of this being a possibility but they sounded guarded about it because I was pregnant. I was now at the point where we needed a better idea of what was going on and more answers. Whatever the risks were, I was willing to take them to figure this out. Again, I needed more than what I had been told already and my main, biggest worry was do not send me home like this.

My notes and questions (scribbly was in pain and on drugs, less scribbly was me feeling better)

So, my OB doctor came and she was more than on board for the MRI. So, again we waited until a gurney came to roll me back down to dungeon world. This was serious now; I got to be transported in a gurney rather than a wheelchair. I felt like royalty! Finally, I have their attention.

To the MRI dungeon and idiot MRI man: "You're the first pregnant person I've done an MRI on in 20 years. Are you sure you want to do this?" Screw you. Yes. My doctor and radiologist already said it was more than OK so I don't need you freaking us out. Did we freak out? Yes, I think Adam was more worried than me but I was in the zone and ready for this thing. He was much nicer later when he found out who Adam was.  "Oh, that name sounds familiar. Oh, I've heard him on the radio. Oh, cool!" Note to self: name drop hubby more and people are nicer to you.

So, MRIs are not pleasant. I expected the worst, and it wasn't the worst thing ever but it was very loud. Like, in a really bad night club with terrible electronic techno music and you're sober and want to go home bad. I was more concerned about the baby being bothered by the noise and also my pain pill wearing off and having to lie flat and being really uncomfortable. Luckily, it went 'quick' per the idiot guy's standards and off I went. I had spoken to the radiologist prior to going in and requested he read the results quick as my parents were leaving soon, and apparently the second it was over he was taking a peek. I guess I did have everyone's attention.

The final product... really creepy, I know.

The bright areas are fluid, so bladder on the bottom, cyst/mass on the right, stomach top left. Oh, and creepy baby too. Sorry baby. 

The ongoing cyst drama and some words I didn't want to hear

Now it's Friday early afternoon. No kidney stones. What they did 'discover' FINALLY on the ultrasound was a cyst or mass-like thing on or near my left ovary. The first description of it that we were given this day was that it was 8 cm x 2 cm x 3 cm. Interesting. Anything over 5-6 cm is considered 'large' and should be removed (Remember, I was already told I had a cyst on/near my left ovary that was 6 x 7 cm. Again, I had already told everyone this). We did see something kind of shaped like this on the ultrasound screen in the morning, but again the ultrasound tech couldn't really describe what she was seeing as it was happening. Basically it looked like an oblong, flattened oval. Let's see if I can find something online that resembles it...

Not my ultrasound, but a cystic ovary. Imagine it more flattened and oblong, plus a little baby to the left squirming around :)

 Now the drama. The doctors all were confused because when compared to my earlier ultrasound, this seemed to be a different shape altogether. Was this a different cyst? Same cyst? Why the pain? Back to the cold ultrasound dungeon room I went that afternoon to get another look. Remember, if the nice ultrasound lady could have just done this earlier we would have been spared this second trip. She saw the cyst but needed further orders to examine closely. Ugh.

This second ultrasound was done mainly to check blood flow to the ovary and to again get an idea of shape and size. The nice lady was a little more open and willing to describe what she was seeing this time, so that was helpful. This was quite uncomfortable as she was pushing the ultrasound wand directly over the area I was experiencing pain. I think this was when the doctor had ordered a trans vaginal ultrasound to get a better picture but there was no way that was going to work, so we had to make do with the regular ultrasound.

We saw something like the following picture. Again, what they were looking for was blood flow to and from the ovary which signifies if there is some twisting going on in the artery and vein supplying it. If there is twisting, that can indicate necrosis, or tissue death, to the ovary and it can be very painful.

Again, not my ultrasound but a doppler done showing blood flow

.

More drama. The radiologist and doctors determined it looked like my ovary had good blood flow, indicating there was no twisting going on of the 'things' connecting it to the uterus and whatever else. This was drama because we were back to square one: they had no idea what was wrong with me. Yes, I had a large cyst near or on my left ovary but people got these occasionally and dealt with them. Rather, if I wasn't pregnant it was something that would typically be removed but because I was pregnant they didn't want to do that because of the risk of surgery to the baby. My cyst also appeared to be 'mass-like,' meaning it wasn't your average fluid-filled sac that can be easily drained if needed.

Here comes the first mention of the C-word. And the O-word. Cancer and oncology. My OB felt it was best to get a gynecologic oncologist involved to check out my scans and determine if there were a need to get her further involved. Scary stuff. I think at this point the doctors had no idea what to do and felt it was best to get more people involved. Around this point was where my doctor told me I "had everyone's attention and have lots of people working on my case." A good thing but also scary. I think my brain was saying, "it's about damn time."

I was still in severe pain that felt like an organ was being twisted and wrung out like a washcloth. Kind of like menstrual cramps but not in the right spot. I was on norco every four hours but begging for it after 2-3 and occasionally they would give me the dilaudid if a nicer doctor saw me in one of my 'pain spells' as it would come and go in waves. I couldn't get comfortable in any position really; if I was at the tip top of a pain spell I had to be on all fours, kind of rocking back and forth. It felt like this took all the pressure off whatever was going on.

Friday afternoon/evening was also when my troops rallied. Rich and Caitlin came to sit with me which cheered me up and took my mind off of things. I think at this point Adam was given a break to check on the doggy and take her to a very nice coworkers house for an extended stay; Maggie loves visiting Magda and gets spoiled so this was a relief and I'm so very thankful to her and her family for their care of our dog, even if she comes home fatter. 

My parents also arrived that evening from Wisconsin. My mom said she wanted to hop in the car and come down ASAP when this all started, but she knew I was in good hands with Adam and held off as long as she could, or until my Dad was out of a meeting and could come too. It brings tears to my eyes right now thinking about my parents, Rich, Caitlin and especially Adam going through all of this because I know how helpless they felt and how worried they were. There is nothing like family and I'm so very grateful to them for being there.

Friday kind of ended on a frustrating note; we had no answers and were left with a couple options. Leave this mass alone (it was now being called a mass instead of just a cyst as it appeared to have substance to it) and continue to treat with narcotics until some miraculous answer fell down from the heavens about what to do, or get further involved with other doctors and possibly consider exploratory surgery. Adam and I were at a point where we knew this could not be left alone... but what did that leave us with?

Sleepover for kidney stones

(The order of these posts kind of got messed up... read this before the Negative test results post)

Late late Thursday night: So, I'm in kind of a private triage room in labor and delivery. The tears have come and gone, I'm on an IV drip to keep me hydrated as well as some nice strong lovely great amazing drugs, this one was called Dilaudid. Dilaudid, ode to thee I love you. My lifesaver. What a funny feeling it was about five seconds after it got put into the IV drip... you feel it float to your head and all of a sudden you're on a boat rocking in some waves. Some people probably don't like the feeling of it but for me it was a welcome relief. The 'rocking' feeling subsided quickly and suddenly my pain was gone, or nearly gone. Gone enough that I could smile (see earlier picture) and see some relief in Adam's face too.

At some point amid the rocking the resident doctor came in, this was a nice female (NOT the same guy from earlier who sent me home with round ligament pain, pffff). She discussed several options of what to do next and what might be going on. She seemed to feel strongly that this was a kidney stone as I had some not-visible-to-the-human-eye blood in my urine from earlier. WAIT what? Like from today earlier? She wasn't sure which urine sample as I had done a second one when I arrived that evening.

Next step to confirm or deny kidney stones was a renal ultrasound, but as it was now after midnight the renal ultrasound person was gone for the evening. This meant I got to stay overnight. THANK GOD please don't send me home lady. This was maybe when I broke down in tears again begging this poor woman doctor to not send me home. Don't EVER send me home again until we know what's going on. She reassured me that we would figure this out, and she also kindly informed us they would move us to a more comfortable room with a couch for Adam. This room had a nice-looking comfy recliner that I'm sure would have done him justice, but OK let's move.

In comes a wheelchair and I went for a foggy ride to another unit where they keep high risk mommas who are either in the hospital to be on bed rest/prevent early delivery or high risk mommas who have just delivered (this was evident by the occasional screaming baby we heard to which I would say "someone feed that baby!" like I'm the pro. Ha. We'll see).

We're wheeled into our nice little room with an actually quite comfortable hospital bed that I somewhat miss for it's adjusting capabilities but lo and behold there is no couch. Just an uncomfortable looking black spaceship-like office chair with a small stool. What? Well... I'll just pass out in my drug-induced coma. Until tomorrow.

Negative test results... now what?

(Read this after the Sleepover post)

Friday morning, April 18. Still a fog to me, I don't remember much right away besides that nice resident doctor who sent me home (I'm still bitter) came to visit me and apologized profusely and said that he felt he checked everything he needed and he was sure I was OK. I wasn't. "I pounded on your back and you didn't have pain, and you didn't have pain over the ovary area when I pressed there." Well sir, that's because my kidney was fine so no, I didn't have pain when you pounded on my back and to put it lightly, MY OVARY WAS NOT WHERE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS. My blood pressure is rising just thinking about this. Poor guy was actually a nice, young dude and looked just like a friend of ours (Craig Willert? Sorry buddy) so I felt sympathy for him mixed with my disgust.

The plan was for a renal ultrasound to check out my kidneys for little stones whenever they were ready for me down in the dungeon of ultrasounds. If stones were the culprit, I would have a stent placed in my ureter to allow the stone to pass. The doctor said this can be quite uncomfortable to live with (I would have been put out to have it placed) and it typically stays in for about a week. Also worth mentioning during this period was I had to pee in a 'hat,' just a urine collecting device in the toilet so they could strain all my urine to check for stones, in case I passed a stone while there which would hopefully have relieved the pain.

I think it was about 9:30 am when I was transported down and placed in yet another chilly room where I was prodded again for the ultrasound (this was an external ultrasound, thank goodness). Nothing much to say about it besides she couldn't tell us what she was really seeing or suspecting, that was the radiologist and then doctor's job. Again, if she could have just made her own judgement and proceeded that would have saved us several hours of waiting around as she later told us she knew what the problem was.

Not my ultrasound, but one I found online of the kidney with stones

Back to the room I went to wait around for awhile. A doctor (not sure which one, I saw three of my five OB doctors while there and so many residents I don't know how many) finally came in to tell us there were no kidney stones detected to which I was actually quite upset. This would have been an 'easy' fix and at least an answer to what was going on. Looking back, I think I really wanted this to be the problem so that we knew indeed there was a problem and that I wasn't imagining this. Also to get the doctor's attention because part of me was afraid they thought I was making all of this up. I wasn't.

What they did see will be explained in the next post.

Also worth mentioning was the ongoing lack of a couch saga. Adam had gone home for the night to take care of our animals, mostly Maggie and because the nice 'lounge chair' we had was not comfortable whatsoever. We asked for a different chair or couch or something and the nurse gave us some dumb answer and quickly scurried away. OK? We left it at that for the time being.

Go straight to the ER

Thursday, April 17. Started like any normal day, felt like the belly was growing quite a bit and I was beginning to show more. I remember placing my hand under my belly a couple times that morning as I was getting ready for work feeling like the added support of just my hand felt good.

Went to work with a slight tummy ache and attributed it to the homemade fettuccine alfredo sauce that I made the night before per Adam's request for his birthday. Think heavy cream and butter, and lots of it. This tummy ache began to progress around 10 am and I kept applying pressure to my left lower tummy for comfort. It seemed that walking around made it worse, so I sat down and pulled up next to my patient to chat. This particular patient had experienced several miscarriages and was very open in talking to me about her difficulties and my pregnancy in general; she knew how far along I was and I felt comfortable talking to her about the pain I was experiencing. She encouraged me right away to call my doctor just to be safe. I thought, nah I think I just have to take a poo poo which I quickly did and to my surprise I felt worse afterwards. Not normal.

Suddenly it clicked that this pain felt a lot like my earlier 'cyst' pain that I had experienced but worse. I had not only one patient working with me at the time, but another on diathermy machine and another had just been transported down to start with soon. I started to worry about how to deal with all three while feeling crummy, and the whole time the earlier patient just kept saying "Call your doctor. Just do it."

11 am: Called my doctor's office and spoke to the nurse, describing my pain and concern about it being similar to the earlier cyst. She quickly spoke to my doctor on call and replied, "Go straight to the ER. Blood supply could be cut off from your ovary, they can scan you there and will know what to do."

Excuse me? The blood drained from my face. I stood up and didn't know what to do. Our transporter walked by and I quickly told him he needs to just take my patients back upstairs with no explanation why. I grabbed my purse- should I take my jacket? What's the temperature out? Should I bring my lunch with me? Where's my boss? Who do I tell I'm leaving? Oh my god. The ER. What?

A fellow therapist saw me as I was walking out and one look at my face he knew something was wrong. "I have to go to the hospital," as I fought back tears. "I'm OK I think but I have to go, will you tell Marek? (my boss)." He said of course, just go and then offered a ride. No, I could drive. Made it to the hospital in tears and basically shaking just out of fear.

Round ligament pain

Thursday, April 17 at about 11:30 am I made it to the ER. They sent me straight upstairs the the third floor, labor and delivery. Didn't think I'd see that place for several more months. Had to fill out lots of paperwork at their nurse's station and finally they took me to their triage room. This is where they take moms who come in who think they may be in labor for initial observation to determine whether they really are ready to be admitted or to be sent home to wait. Again, was in shock to be in this room at this time.

Got hooked up to a monitor to determine whether I was having contractions, I wasn't. Had to pee in a cup to check for urinary tract infection or other things in my urine that shouldn't be there, was told it was all good. Had an ultrasound done to check on baby, baby was good. Had a vaginal exam to check my cervix to ensure I wasn't dilated or anything, was all good. Had the resident feel around on my painful tummy with excruciating pain felt when he hit my left lower abdomen.

Back to the ultrasound. We told this resident doctor about my previous ordeal with the cyst found on my left ovary and pointed out where the pain was before. Interesting that it coincided with where I was having pain now, no? Again, I told him that this pain felt exactly like the pain I was having before but now was worse. His response was, "well now that you're almost 20 weeks pregnant your ovaries are up nearly underneath your ribcage." What? OK sir. Whatever you say. He didn't even bother to swing the ultrasound 2 inches over to take a peek at where I was experiencing the pain. Had he and this whole ordeal could have been shortened by a day or two.

About this time is when he brought up round ligament pain. The round ligament supports the uterus and as the uterus is growing with the baby, the ligament stretches and becomes tighter and more painful. Could I be experiencing this pain? Sure. But deep down I didn't believe that was all that was really going on, after all he didn't even bother to really look at the area I was having pain with the ultrasound. He said he would call my OB doctor and chat with her to see what the plan was from there.

About 20 minutes later the nurse who had initially taken my vitals comes back and says, "It's round ligament pain. You're all good to go." WHAT? That's it? The doctor isn't coming back to talk to us? Handed us some papers and basically said Adios, good luck.

We left slightly pissed off about the way this was handled and kind of confused about what to do. How much were we going to be charged for that waste of time? Do I go back to work? By this point it was probably 1:30 pm. I called my boss and told him I was OK but just wanted to go home and rest basically after being emotionally drained from the 'excitement' of the last couple hours.

Did I feel better? Actually I kind of did. The pain had eased a bit and I called my mom to let her know about my field trip to labor and delivery. She was shocked but relieved that I was OK and urged me to just go home and rest. However, by the time I got off the phone with her and pulled up to our house the pain was back. I made it into the house, said hi to the kitties and then crawled into the guest room bed. Didn't think I could make it up the stairs to our room. Adam found me there an hour later and I think he was surprised and worried to see me in so much pain. This was worse than when I was in the ER. I couldn't get comfortable, I couldn't lay flat, I couldn't do anything. He brought me a heat pack and I think at that point I fell asleep for an hour or so.

This basically went on all night. I limped to the couch crouched over holding my stomach and we were both researching round ligament pain, pelvic pain during pregnancy, symphysis pubis dysfunction and anything we could find that would better explain what I was experiencing. I would try different positions that were suggested for different things with no relief. Pain kept getting worse. At one point I remember being on the floor in some odd position and couldn't get up. Adam had to hug me and lift me up and I screamed bloody murder. Tears came down my face and he said "this isn't normal."

Time went on and I found that being on all fours and kind of rocking back and forth was the most comfortable position. I literally looked and sounded like I was fighting labor pains with my rocking and deep breathing. And then, sudden nausea. Ran to the bathroom and vomited. This happened twice. I hadn't puked at all during pregnancy. Then came the sweating. Then chills. This really wasn't normal. This was when I told Adam we needed to go back to the hospital. We went back and forth, can we afford this? How much is two trips to the ER in one day going to cost?

10 or 11 pm: We called my doctor who thought this resembled kidney stones and urged me to deal with the pain overnight and to come to the office in the morning. If I really couldn't handle the pain, come back to the hospital. I couldn't deal. Back we went, back to labor and delivery where immediately once in a room I threw up again. Again, the shaking chills. A sympathetic nurse hooked me up to an IV with sugar water to help keep me hydrated and that's when the tears came. Lots of them. I think the stress of the day just bottled up and poured out of me once that IV was in as it felt like a signal that something was wrong but they were going to take care of me now.

First smile of the day after pain medication

First doctor visits

A week after my positive home pregnancy test was my first doctor's appointment. The jerks make you wait in anticipation until you are so many weeks along to confirm, and even more jerkier is that they make you want longer for an ultrasound. For me, it took an ultrasound to make the whole thing seem real. I guess a blood test and a stick weren't enough to indeed say there was this human growing inside me. The first appointment was uneventful except for the fact that I brought up my earlier aches and pains which had conveniently subsided a bit and were, at that point, an occasional twinge and nothing compared to New Years Eve. The doctor ordered up an ultrasound for the following week (YAY! I get to see my baby! was my thought) to get an idea of what could be going on. He said that this was an early ultrasound but didn't say much else.

Another week goes by and I'm back at the doctor, this time solo as Adam was out of town for work. I'm so very excited to see the baby and had done lots of research about 7-8 week ultrasounds and was expecting to see a little something on the screen. Unfortunately, all I saw was an empty sac. Bring on the tears and panic. The ultrasound tech didn't say much besides "It's early, sometimes you don't see anything for a few more weeks." Not very reassuring. She also kept poking the wand towards my left side which was incredibly uncomfortable (Side note: this was a vaginal ultrasound. Not pleasant but not terrible until she wandered toward the areas where I was having pain). Then, "I'm going to go get the doctor so he can see what I'm seeing." Bring on more tears and more panic. Imagine feeling so helpless and clueless and alone and cold laying there half naked in a dark room. Ugh. Adam still feels terrible to this day that he wasn't there with me, but there was nothing he could have done besides panic with me.

Doc comes in and there's more silence and muttering going on as they stare at the screen and poke me uncomfortably. I try to make out what they're saying but I can't. Suddenly, they're done and the doctor says he'll talk with me in a bit and leaves the room. Um, OK? Tech gets me up, looking like she's keeping a secret and won't tell me much. At this point I'm in full panic mode, tears streaming down my face and totally expecting the worst (there's no baby, I miscarried, I was never really pregnant, of course I'm here alone to hear all of this, etc). Lady looks at me and says, "Umm, I normally would send you to the waiting room to wait for the doctor but I'll get you a room." Thanks?

So in comes the doctor who does little to reassure me that everything is OK. I'm told I have some sort of a cyst near my left ovary that grew when I became pregnant due to hormones and that they will watch it throughout the pregnancy but that it typically goes away after the initial surge of pregnancy hormones comes and goes, because "wasn't I feeling better already anyways?" As far as seeing nothing in the sac where there should be a 'baby,' well I was just "there too early and normally ultrasounds aren't done that early" so they really couldn't say anything about that. Thanks? Could I have a picture of what they saw to show my husband? "No. Let's wait until we actually have something to show him." Thanks. Asshole. I'll just go home and cry for a few hours by myself and expect the worst. Least favorite doctor ever. Luckily he's only one of five that I take turns seeing and I really like the rest, otherwise adios I'll find a new doctor thank you very much.

Fast forward again to my next appointment (I think it was a week or maybe two after the last so 9-10 weeks pregnant) to an ultrasound that actually shows a little blurb of a 'baby' THANK GOD and this time Adam is there to hold my hand as I cry happy tears. The same ultrasound tech as the last appointment (it's always the same lady) now tells us my cyst is the size of a clementine (ouch!) and that it's "clot-like," not your average cyst. Hmmm. At some point we're told 6-7 cm. "We'll just keep monitoring it but as long as you're not in pain it's OK." True, I wasn't really hurting anymore except a very occasional twinge or when my cats would walk across my belly and hit just the right spot.

Painful beginnings

Basically the whole cyst drama started right away when I got pregnant. They day after we conceived (too much information, sorry), I remember feeling some sharp pains in my left lower abdomen which I had never experienced before. Honestly, my first thought was "oh shit. I am probably pregnant." Not a great reaction, but I knew the timing wasn't great to start a pregnancy given what the due date would be (Bears season, anyone?). I tried to ignore the pains but the thought of what it might mean stayed in the back of my mind. The next day I talked with Adam about my 'fear' of being pregnant and he reassured me that not only was it OK and would be OK, but he was happy and excited which made me feel better.

Fast forward a week or so and the pains kept coming and going, nothing terrible but definitely not pleasant. I think I bought some pregnancy tests knowing it was too soon to test positive but just to check anyways (of course they were negative). Then comes New Years Eve. All fun and games and drinking and dancing until suddenly some super sharp pains, again in the left lower abdomen. We're talking bend over and want to curl up on the floor pains, which I did do at one point while Adam was yacking in the toilet (that's a whole other story, ask Adam, Marcus or Candace about that one as they all got sick. We're thinking some sort of food poisoning via ice or champagne).

Now I start to worry about an ectopic pregnancy. Super scary and not good for mama and ultimately results in loss of the pregnancy. I remember sitting on the couch with all the ladies at the Hoge family and friends party discussing what could possibly be wrong with me, and ectopic pregnancy, a cyst, miscarriage etc. were all tossed around. Luckily I was not bleeding and in a Captain Morgan fog that helped me through the evening and I had a sick husband to tend to so my mind was kept elsewhere.

The next day, New Years Day, was supposed to be spent at our home in Park Ridge with the Hoge friends and family gang to watch the Rose Bowl. It turned out that a blizzard swept through Chicagoland overnight and we were basically snowed in at Rich's house, which was fine because we had his fireplaces blazing and more than enough food and drink to keep the group content. I spent the day curled up in a ball with a blankey and pillow in front of the parlor fireplace thinking I was hungover and pooped from sleeping on the floor the night before. Looking back, I was pregnant and dealing with a cyst that was making it's home on my left ovary. Also curled up in balls were Adam, Marcus and Candace (see earlier mention of their ordeals with some sort of food poisoning).

Next up, Monday January 6th. Or maybe Tuesday. Adam and I went to see The Wolf of Wall Street (highly recommend, Adam thought it was too long but I just love Leo). Somewhere during that evening I discovered my period was a few days late--I've never been good at keeping track--but this was a somewhat exciting discovery as it meant that I could now take a pregnancy test that may actual give a valid result. To Walgreens I went, and then I came home and drank a beer to fill my bladder knowing very well it may be my last for many months. Side note, alcohol and beer in particular were not tasting good to me. I also took this as a sign I was pregnant, like my body was somehow hinting I shouldn't be drinking. So the beer stayed half drank because I just didn't like the taste. 

So I peed on the stick and nervously walked around the house. I put it on the kitchen counter and we waited a few minutes. Adam and I checked the stick at the same time, and sure enough there was the faintest pink line indicating pregnancy. Adam smiled, I said "Oh my god" or possibly something more vulgar and covered my face with my shirt. Again, Adam was the happy and calm one and I was freaking out. Instantly I got a hug from my super happy and excited husband while I believe I was tearing up. Not happy tears unfortunately, but freaking out oh my god what does this mean what is going to happen holy cow wow wow wow I can't believe this tears.

To better explain, I wasn't afraid of having a baby or becoming a mom, just afraid of pregnancy itself. Working in the healthcare profession I've seen firsthand how any major changes to the body can be difficult for some, and also having  friends who have had difficult pregnancies scared me about what was to come. I guess also just the loss of control over your own body that I felt I knew very well and up until this point had been in control over was beyond comprehension to me and quite scary. A little tiny human, or actually lots of hormones, take over which now I think is kinda cool but at the time it was terrifying.