James' Birthday

7 am, July 14. Once the c section was a go ahead, things moved very quickly. My amazing new nurse came on at this time and prepped me. I remember being half passed out, poked and prodded several times as well as signing some papers without having the slightest idea what they said. I think I was so tired, scared, shocked and in pain that my body's way of protecting myself was to block things out. I also wonder if the amount of blood I was losing was enough to make me woozy.

Dressed and ready!

Family of two about to be three

Off to surgery I went and first up was the epidural. They wanted me sitting in a certain position on the surgical table and I couldn't manage it because I kept having contractions. Eventually we compromised and all that I remember is hunching over and leaning against my nurse who was giving me a pep talk, I think to prevent me from passing out in her arms. I wasn't afraid of the epidural, and honestly didn't feel anything, I just really felt like I was going to tip over and just lose it. Once that epidural was in and done, my legs were gone and they slowly laid me down on the table. Instant relief. Instant swarming of people hooking me up to this and that, pricking and poking me to check sensation. It felt like maybe two minutes went by and my doctor was starting the surgery. I could hear clinking and clanking and suction and chatter but couldn't tell what people were saying. It felt very rushed and I don't even think Adam was in the room yet when they started. 

Adam appeared over my left shoulder and I think he was more afraid than I was. I think he tried to hold my left hand, but I remember feeling strapped down and so heavy. Maybe my arms were strapped down? I don't remember. He felt like he couldn't breathe, I think from his mask and just nerves so I'm trying to tell him it's OK and he's trying to calm me and we were just a mess. More clinking and clanking and chatter and suction and I just start to feel nauseous. Then vomit comes. Luckily I turned to the right and puked that way, but in my strapped down and heavy state it was difficult to do. Someone held me a little bucket and I was good to go. I couldn't look to my left at Adam because that kept making me feel sick, so I just looked to the right while Adam was busy trying to breathe and that's the way it went. 

Sometime after 7:38 am I asked, "is he out?" and they said yes. I didn't even know it. No cries, they didn't even hold him up for me to see. All of the excitement leading up to having your baby and there was no 'moment' were I got to see him. I do remember them saying, "Oh, it is a boy" like I had any doubt in my mind. At some point Adam was invited to the adjoining room to see him. He could have been gone for a minute or an hour, I don't know but it felt like an hour to close me up. Adam says that when he came back in they didn't warn him which way to look or not to look so he got to see my "insides and lots of blood." He still is upset about this. 

First apgar score was a 2. No bueno. 

My only real vivid memory of this morning was when James was wheeled by me for our first meeting. We had agreed not to officially name him until we got to see him, just to make sure the name we had picked out 'fit' him. What if he didn't look like a James? 

He was beautiful. Perfect. "He's so big!" I don't know what I expected, but he looked much bigger than what I had anticipated for a preemie baby to be. He also looked exactly how I had pictured him. Adam asked, "What do you think? Is he a James?" and I said yes. They whisked him away to the NICU and Adam went with, only after stopping to show him off quickly to my parents who were waiting just outside. My mom says she has never seen Adam smile so big and look so proud.

The rest of this morning is an absolute blur to me. I was taken to my new room and rolled around and bundled up and poked and and all of that. My favorite game to play is to ask Adam and my parents about that morning; what did I do? What did I say? I have very little memory of it, just glimpses here and there. I do know that the goal was to get the sensation back in my legs enough so that I could get in a wheelchair to go officially meet James. At one point, I remember being totally numb and trying my best to just wiggle my toes. I looked down and my legs were moving around in the bed! What a weird sensation.

At some point, either late morning or early afternoon, I was helped into the wheelchair and wheeled upstairs to the NICU. Again, very foggy memories of this which make me sad because I don't remember much of my first official visit with James. I do remember asking for the trash can and getting sick in his room and then being sent back to my room. Whoops. Great first impression, momma.

First family photo

What a day. We're so blessed and happy to have this little guy in our lives. I only wish I remembered more of it and that I had had that 'moment' when he first came into the world and let out a big, strong cry.

Happy Birthday, James Matthew Hoge. We love you!