5 weeks old

August 18 - Today James is five weeks old. Where has the time gone? He's now 5 lbs 2.2 ounces and has moved up a diaper size because he pees through the preemie sizes. Little guy is moving up in the world. He was also lowered from 2 liters of flow on the vapotherm machine down to 1 liter on a regular nasal cannula and had no episodes of desaturation today while I was visiting. We're on the right track!

He was moved up to 45 ml per feeding (every three hours) but has been on NG feeds only per the speech therapist. We tried breastfeeding on Friday and he did  well initially, or as the therapist felt he did too well with sucking and his swallowing ability hasn't quite caught up causing an episode of bradycardia. She strongly felt that this was him being a preemie and that he needed time for his swallowing ability to mature. I hope she's right. We were also told that being on the vapotherm machine, or high flow, and trying to feed via bottle or breast are not good together. The speech therapist explained it as trying to drink and swallow while you're head is sticking out of a car going 60 mph. Not fun, but makes sense. She'd like to see him weaned off of all flow before trying feeding again, but maybe she'll compromise for the 1L he is on now as he sure seems to miss his bottle.

James is becoming more and more alert. He is waking up for his nursing cares and feedings and staying wide wake for 40-45 minutes. These are my favorite times of day because he just loves to look around, look at you and listen. His favorite tunes right now are the ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and If You Want to Be a Badger... 

It feels great to be home, sleeping in my own bed, and pumping in the privacy of my own home. I was so looking forward to organizing and arranging the nursery and we've made progress but there's still lots to be done. Just doesn't feel like there is enough time in the day.

I'm having a hard time emotionally processing everything being home and also feeling overwhelmed with just... everything. In Wausau I stayed preoccupied with the thought of getting home eventually, and now that we're back in Chicago I feel like... now what? My life has changed so much and I'm trying to process things but James isn't home so I'm in limbo and can't quite settle in. I asked the difficult question of "how long?" to our nurse practitioner today and she just shrugged. I know she can't give me an answer but sometimes you just need reassurance that he will come home soon!

For now, I'm hoping tomorrow I'll feel better and that I'll settle into a new routine here. Thanks to everyone for your messages, calls, thoughts, prayers. I'm sorry for not getting back to people right away but know that you're appreciated and we love you all.